so be my witness

I kiss your heart and it makes things so simple

I kiss your eyes and it makes things so clear

If only I could speak the things I wanted you to want to hear

But we live in silence when we are far

And beg for morsels when we are near

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

Tonight I'm being crushed under my own sense of dread, like I might keel over at any second. I know tomorrow I will raise from my bed and keep going through the motions. I am close. But I never collapse. At least never for long enough to let the disintegration set in, and certainly never under prying eyes.

I feel genuine dismay for those who have to hear me complain. I do wish I could complain more, and more clearly. But nowadays that seems to be the only thing that comes out of my mouth on the few blessed moments where I can meet my friends. At least the two of them that I have seen in what seems like an eternity but has not been yet a month. And I wish I could just give them fun things to witness instead. I will eventually.

I think this "tower moment" has brought back something I needed though. A sense of direction. If not about where I want to go, at least of where I don't want to be. And dear god EGL has come back in full force to cocoon me, to remind me of who I am. But this time I am ready to embrace it. My teenage self tried to become someone different from herself, not feeling enough, as seems to be our permanent state. I keep my old blogs as keepsakes and reminders, as pictures of a mind I once inhabited and a memory I now love. But rather than try to dust off their old shoes and wear them in new days, I think I should make a clean start. I believe that today and bring it forth. 

So be my witness.

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚